Awful Album Covers

You would think a guy named Vader Abraham would be much cooler...

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 16:56:17 -0500

You would think a guy named Vader Abraham would be much cooler than this. Much, much cooler…

There is but one way to put an end to the Garvis. You must kill...

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 16:54:00 -0400

There is but one way to put an end to the Garvis. You must kill the middle Garvis. When his head is beneath the stars launch your steel into his eager neck and slake the cold blade’s righteous thirst. Without his power the other four Garvis are bootless. They will gnash and wail a pungent song that will make your ears bleed. Their eyes will turn to stone and their bodies will melt into smoke and ash.

And the graves will shudder and the birds will wake in the sky and for the passing of 10 saeculum no one will dare mention the name of the Garvis; and the world will be safe. Until one day when someone will make fun of the Garvis on a part-time blog about stupid looking album cov… oh. Oh no. Oh God, what have I done?

This is one of those memory necklaces, right, that you put on...

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 17:20:58 -0400

This is one of those memory necklaces, right, that you put on things to remind you not to strangle them?

A preposterously meta album. Turns out the “that” he raps about...

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 16:13:45 -0400

A preposterously meta album. Turns out the “that” he raps about not being into is rap music.

*Includes a bonus track about him not being into Bill Paxton movies.

I found this while reading some random tweets from friends. This is a great tumblr! Please post more!

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 18:20:41 -0400

Thank you! And I will.

“Ennui” is like a superpower to ole Andrew Gold. It slows the...

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 17:21:00 -0400

“Ennui” is like a superpower to ole Andrew Gold. It slows the world down to slow motion; even the golf balls his uncles hit at him at the family reunion for being the only ginger.

Well GOLLY yeah I’ll accept the charges! Be a gosh durn...

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 17:31:00 -0500

Well GOLLY yeah I’ll accept the charges! Be a gosh durn honor to.

Hello? Is it God? God it’s me, Jerry Jordan! Man with a plan. What’s that you want to know? My Sears card number? Heck, ‘so sayeth the Lord’ I guess. God this gone sound crazy but you sound just like my step-sister’s new boyfriend Snake.

Anyway 65-23-6…

X-Men! This is Terry Riley. I am communicating to you...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:06:12 -0500

X-Men! This is Terry Riley. I am communicating to you telepathically to warn you that Kitty Pryde is in grave danger! There are some… mutant bad guys in the area! You’d better give me her phone number so that I can, like, call to warn her.

X-Men! Terry Riley here. I have another telepathic message. Kitty Pryde left her pen in the library. I only noticed it because I happened to be staring in her general direction at the time. Not looking at her specifically, mind you. My eyes went soft. Please tell her that. We may have locked eyes. Anyway, what was my point? Pens! This pen looks kinda important. Like it’s her favorite pen or something. If someone could “think” me her digits real quick I’ll let her know.

X-Men! Me again. T. Riles? Telepathic powers. I wear that cape? More like a towel, really. I learned a cool trick: think of a number between 1 and Kitty Pryde’s phone number. Don’t forget the area code.

See. Falling asleep to the noises in the other room of Mother,...

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 17:43:00 -0500

See. Falling asleep to the noises in the other room of Mother, who looks young enough to be your sister, seducing the private school headmaster so that you can have a better life than the one she danced away hanging off the arm of every orchestra player with a fresh set of reeds in his pocket don’t have to become nightmares dripping in blood.

My, my, my is that a vagina in your pocket?

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 18:07:33 -0500

My, my, my is that a vagina in your pocket?

Don’t get taken in by the glamour of that turquoise blue...

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 19:02:00 -0500

Don’t get taken in by the glamour of that turquoise blue mood ring. His “Crystal Cave” refers to the butt hole.

This is still the #1 album in Atlanta STD clinics.

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 18:25:32 -0400

This is still the #1 album in Atlanta STD clinics.

Fleetwood Mac is the cake. You, the baboon. Have fun listening...

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 20:31:43 -0400

Fleetwood Mac is the cake. You, the baboon. Have fun listening to Rumours for the 12 thousandth time.

These are the male descendants in one of those hypothetical...

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 14:05:08 -0400

These are the male descendants in one of those hypothetical ‘last man alive repopulates the Earth’ scenarios.

Your boat is beautiful. “Thank you. I enjoy sailing. Out...

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 13:31:00 -0400

Your boat is beautiful.

“Thank you. I enjoy sailing. Out on the water I feel like I can be myself. Sometimes I lay out on my stomach by the railing and whisper things to the water. Things I never tell anyone.”

Things like?

“Like that this isn’t my real hair. It’s actually a rather clumsy toupee. No one else knows this. I am sorry I just told you.”

Don’t be sorry.

“You’re right. You are the one who is sorry. Because no one knows and no one will know.

Let me lay out for you your final few hours on this earth: we continue to sip riesling as the warm sun embraces our skin and shimmers off the blue water. For this brief moment we exist outside ourselves. Until you notice a slightly acidic aftertaste at the bottom of your stemware. Oops, you just fell into the water. Too bad I can’t save you but I am so full of wine and sun that I went into a deep slumber. Only when I wake do I realize you are gone forever; that it’s just me and the water once again. I have another secret to tell it, and as I do I see my wondeful hair in its reflection.”

<3 your blog. xo

Sun, 18 Sep 2011 19:33:43 -0400

Bless you for your great taste.

You’d think that disco band Village People would have...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 14:15:53 -0400

You’d think that disco band Village People would have found some kinship and a new audience during the new romantic movement. But there was just an irreconcilable difference of opinion about body hair.

Pictured above: the woman who sang “Hooray for...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:50:09 -0400

Pictured above: the woman who sang “Hooray for Hollywood” and “No Business Like Show Business” really meaning it.

“I’m your ride operator Patrick. Please keep...

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:44:12 -0400

“I’m your ride operator Patrick. Please keep yourselves seated properly on this ride. Do not stand up. Do not stick your arms out to the sides. Do not go like THIS. Do not exit until the ride comes to a complete halt … mmmkay? … this ain’t a fuck swing, kiddies. Ride it like it’s going to hit you in the face if you make it cum.”

“Tino for the last time come downstairs. Dinner is ready!...

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 13:19:18 -0400

“Tino for the last time come downstairs. Dinner is ready! Tino? So help me… are you up there posing again?”